Tuesday, 12 March 2013

Oh how things change...

As Britney says...'its been a while'!! Ok, terrible reference to make, but at least the sentiment is true!

Life has changed, life has improved and I'm getting happy again, and this time I'm not making my life around a man!!! I'm doing it for me and the kids.

I've started a new business with a friend, which now means I suppose that not only are we friends, we are business partners too! And will be starting a new blog in the next few days in relation to the business. So we are selling knickers!!! Hahaha!

Well, not just knickers! Mandy and I actually met in a lingerie shop where she measured me for undies after I finished breast feeding my youngest son...so I guess maybe it follows that within a year of meeting, we have gone into business selling lingerie...well, lingerie, sex toys, sexy fancy dress and various accessories that go with the it!

So visit our web site www.saucyfun.co.uk, or find us on Facebook and like us, or on Twitter @SaucyFun...I will continue with the updates here also, but our new blog will be connected to our website, so you can read more there too...toodle-loo for now!! xx

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

It's been a while!!

So I've been taking an unintentional blogging hiatus...looking after a new born takes up a lot of time!

He is now 16 weeks old, and just fantastic...

Now I'm trying to get some of my life back. Life as a single Mum with 2 kids is hard. I get every other weekend to myself now, but remembering how to have a life is not easy! Being a person without responsibilities every other weekend takes a lot of getting used to.

I decided to try and find my self a new fella! Signed up for online dating...think I'm now just going to avoid the whole thing for a while and focus on my kids. I forgot how difficult it is trying to figure someone else out! And frankly, I don't have the energy, plus why does it all have to be so difficult?

I'm going to focus on my family of 3 and my friends and family, and stay well away from any men! Not something I've ever done before, so not expecting it to be easy...but I have so much else going on and to figure out, so how hard can it be to remain single?!!!

Friday, 3 August 2012

He's here!!

My son was born last Wednesday, 25th July 2012 at 5.02am, 7lb 11ozs, after 28 hours of labour! He is gorgeous and such a good boy settling into a routine already.

The labour, as I suppose labour is supposed to be, was awful! The care I was given by the midwives at the hospital was less than adequate. Both myself and my birth partner asked and asked for pain relief and kept telling them things were happening and changing, but it made no difference and in the end I delivered nearly without medical care at all, on 4 puffs of gas and air. Thank goodness there were no exceptional circumstances as had there been something terrible could have happened to either myself or my son.

As the person in labour, why don't they listen to you? I know they are supposed to be the experts and can examine you etc, but surely you are the one who knows how you feel and what it feels like is happening to your body? It felt to me that they simply thought I was being dramatic...I honestly wasn't. It was agony from start to finish and the care was poor.

Thankfully, my gorgeous little boy is here and is doing great. He was born with a tooth, so breastfeeding has been a little challenging but I'm persisting with it, and it seems to be paying off as far as him being settled and happy goes, and also I am back in my pre-pregnancy clothes!

His father? Well, he texts every morning to ask how he is. Apart from that, has been threatening and difficult within 3 days of his birth expecting me to hand him over to go to meet his family. NOT A CHANCE! In the end, I had to have his family here in my house for them to meet him. He has visited once since, and has so far only contributed with 2 packs of nappies and some baby toiletries. No mention of contributing to the expense of all the other things babies need. Next week I have an appointment with my solicitor to file for divorce. Why would I want to remain around a man who thinks it is acceptable to threaten me with legal action over my sons surname when I was 9 months pregnant? And think it acceptable to hand over a 2 day old baby to go away from a breastfeeding mother? What an arse!!

Thursday, 19 July 2012

Enough already...

As I said to a friend this morning, its time to stop ranting!! I accept that a good rant can be therapeutic, but it gets tiresome even for the person doing the complaining! I realise I have plenty to bitch about but really how is it helping?!!

I think its about how you look at it all...perspective. Everybody has their own issues, their own problems, and when its your own, its hard. Standing outside looking in and advising someone on their stuff is easy, it doesn't directly affect you. Dealing with your own in a way that moves you forward and remaining positive about it is what is so hard. People describe it as being strong. I disagree, its not being strong, its just coping the best way you know how to. If it comes over as strength, then so be it, but its just not collapsing under circumstances that one is living within, often because crumbling is not an option.

I truly believe that women have to be 'stronger' than men. Women as a species have more to deal with and are innately more able to deal with strife and difficult circumstances, whether in a relationship or alone. Within the last 50 years, women's roles have changed so dramatically and are now so varied that coping with the different stresses life holds, whether it is career, motherhood, relationships, financial stability, they are all things that we have to cope with constantly. We don't have the luxury of being able to 'check out', something that men do have the choice of. Men can choose one thing, often career or work, and no responsibility. And even if they take on responsibility, they can choose to walk away, and from those I know of and from talking to other women, walking away happens a lot.

And this is something else that I think is a modern phenomenon. Even 20-30 years, the idea of a man walking out on his family and responsibilities would have been so abhorrent that the idea would have been enough to deter it happening. These days, it is so much more socially acceptable that it is almost accepted. How can this be right??? Is this progress??? Its so easy to give up and leave, and the women are left to pick up the pieces.

Although it may not sound like it, I'm not bitter. I just think it is not fair! Why is there not more accountability for it all?

Ok, so if you have read my earlier blog posts you will know that this obviously post is relevant to what is happening in my life, but it had happened to so many women around me that I wanted to highlight it. The answers escape me, and the audacity of the situation just becomes more and more extreme. Alright, so maybe I am a little bitter, but who wouldn't be?!!

Thursday, 12 July 2012

I swear, its like a flamin' soap opera!!

Its been a little while since my last post and whilst not a huge amount has changed (I'm still enormously pregnant!) he is still managing to be a complete ass!

I am now totally convinced that there is nothing wrong with him other than the fact he is spineless and cruel. Yesterday I received a letter from his solicitor stating that if I don't include his surname in the babies surname then he will get an order from the court meaning that I have to change his name regardless of what I put on his birth certificate, so really, what choice do I have?!! I either relent or spend stupid amounts of money on legal fees fighting for my sons name and dealing with the stress and animosity that goes with it, all the while having to let him into my house to see his son, because again that is another issue that by law I have no choice over. What he has done has no bearing at all! And it stinks...

And he has chosen to do this now. I am 38 weeks pregnant with his first child and all he can think about, yet again, is how this affects him. He left and now what I see that all the connection he has left is his name. So let him have it, I have everything else. My children will live with me, I am the primary carer and they will be raised my way with my values. And when he is old enough to understand what his father did, I will not be lying to him, and he can make his own decision as to what he thinks of his father. I refer to him as his father as he will never have the bond to be his 'Daddy', and that was his choice.

So currently, the 3 people that live in my house will have different surnames (Carter, Walters-Carter and Ridgway-Carter) which is just ridiculous! Hence I am once again changing my surname! No more double barrel names for me...going forward I will be Miss Natalie Carter and this is how it will have to remain with my children as 'Carter' and 'Ridgway-Carter'. But changing my name is becoming like second nature to me and I have been Natalie Carter before so here we go again!!

In a strange way, as I have no choice and have had to make a decision, it feels better to have it sorted before the baby is born. One other thing I have decided is that I will not be waiting, as originally decided, to file for divorce. I have asked my solicitor today to go ahead and file...who knows maybe he'll receive the papers on the day his son is born...ironic!

Thursday, 21 June 2012

It so it continues....

So we finally met and talked, and he is in a mess. Clinically depressed and doing nothing about it. At the moment he flails between fairly normal and completely irrational. And, yes, I feel sorry for him, but even this doesn't excuse what he's done. He can't give me a reason why he left and is acting resentfully towards my son, and for that reason alone, I cannot be around him. So I've drawn a line in the sand and he knows that. I'm trying to move on and the chatter in my head is now more related to being able to cope with everything when the baby is born. My husband is just not a factor anymore no matter what he thinks

Wednesday, 6 June 2012

Being a grown up....again!

So the last time we were supposed to meet, he cancelled because work comes before everything, and he has now left it 3 weeks to rearrange it. The difference is, I no longer have anything to say to him.

My mind set has changed. I don't want or need him around at all and have absolutely nothing to say to him. I really think it would be so much easier if he just disappeared. Every time I hear from him my stress levels go through the roof and my anger rises again, and the contractions start again, so how can talking to him be helpful?????

I told him I will listen to what he has to say but that I have nothing to say to him. As far as I am concerned, this is my baby, not his. I will be raising him. I am now a single Mum with 2 children and he is what?? A sperm donor?!! What does he think is going to happen? I'll be complicit with his suggestions for names and access? Why should I be like that? Why should I make his life easier? What does he really think he can bring to the deal? As far as I am concerned his part is over, the right to everything else left when he did...

Monday, 21 May 2012

Being a grown-up...

I have made contact with the enemy and after battling through the unnecessary hostility, I have been the grown up and suggested we try to talk for the sake of the baby.

I have no idea what I'm going to say to him or even how I'm going to manage to stay calm, but at this point, something needs to change. My stress levels are through the roof and even though I am now 31 weeks pregnant, I have no appetite and apart from my bump, am losing weight which is not how this should be...none of this is how it should be.

What really gripes me about this is how he is now claiming that I had my own way too much, and yes on the day to day smaller items I probably did, but only because there was no other way of getting things done, but on the big life changing events, they were all him, not me. For example, our wedding was not what I wanted. I had been married before and would have been happy to just go off on our own and do it quietly, but he had never been married and wanted the whole schabang so I went along with it, arranged it all, but it wasn't for me. I already had a child and had no hankering to have another one, but because he had no children, I agreed we would have a baby as long as all the way through it was a joint effort to raise the baby, and now I am left alone to deal with my 2 children whilst he has gone back to his single life.

He claims I made him leave. Not true. What 6 months pregnant woman would make their husband, whom they loved, leave to deal with everything alone, unless they were abusive? Not me, no way.

And these false accusations make me so angry and show how narrow minded he is is. He seems so blinkered to reality and has left me to deal with it all.

So, as you can see, sitting down for a 'chat' is not going to be that easy.....

Friday, 18 May 2012

So tired of the angst....

It's exhausting it really is. The noise in my head, between that and the now overwhelming tiredness that comes with being heavily pregnant. The need to shout at him is so desperate as is the need to ignore him, so as you see I'm also conflicted. If someone has the solution to how shut loud brains up, please tell me! The questions are constant and unrelenting...why did this happen, how could he do this to us, why do I get pitiful over this sometimes, when will I feel better, surely it's not supposed to be like this is it, how is life for me and my children going to work out...and so it goes on, none stop and it's exhausting. I took my son away for a week to try and make him feel more stable by having me around more, and I wish it was that easy to make me feel better. My little man was so happy this week and seems so much better. Things are so simple for children. Sometimes I wish I was still 5. My god listen to me, I bore myself. I am just tired and so fed up of being pregnant and fed up of life being so difficult...that's it no more winging, just need to find a way to move on...

Monday, 7 May 2012

It's just so hard

Being a single Mum is hard. And staying calm all the time is evened harder. Especially when I'm getting so tired from being so huge these days. My son cam eback from his fathers today after 3 days away and as usual he came back with an attitude he picked up from his 15 year old half-brothers. So all day he was rude, not answering when spoken too, spitting at me, not doing as he's asked. By the end of day when he refused to do his teeth, I couldn't remain calm. When he didn't do as asked the 5th time I started counting, which he knows when I get to 3 there are consequences, this time it being him going to bed without me. He kept going and I got to 3 and went down stairs and he freaked out, stamping and screaming and yelling. I lost my temper and dragged him to bed and shut the door with him still screaming, and I burst into tears and felt horrible. I'm finding everything that has happened recently so hard to deal with and have been swinging between exhausted and upset so dealing with a screaming child just pushed me over the edge. I had to go back into him room and talk to him and let us say our sorrys and hug. If I'm struggling this much with 1 how am I going to manage with 2 on my own? And the alone thing I am finding so tough already and the bigger I get the harder it all is. I feel like I'm whining but it's the only thing I'm feeling at the moment apart from anger. My head is so loud and even though a friend told me today that I have to be positive going forward it's just too much to deal with to be able to do that

Thursday, 3 May 2012

Can't sleep am so angry right now!!

So apparently, in the extremely vague and hostile conversation that has been had by text message, him leaving is my fault and he accepts no responsibility for what's happened!! Unbelievable! He has given no real explanation other than using the things I have said to him during him leaving and since he has gone, plus it being a bad thing that my son came first...what mother would do anything else? I have apparently shown my true colours by 'shouting the odds' at him and shown him that his decision to leave was the right one through my behaviour....you have got to be kidding me?! Was I supposed to have been complicit in him leaving and helped him pack, held the door open and waved good bye? What wife, particularly a pregnant one, wouldn't have tried to stop their husband leaving by threatening anything that came to mind? I refuse to let him make me feel responsible for what has happened. If he wasn't happy, you talk, you don't run away. I'm not a mind reader. How can anything be resolved through silence? If a person wants input on something or has an opinion, they should open their mouth and say so instead of accusing things being all one way. If one of us didn't have an opinion, nothing would ever have been done around here. The anger I feel is stopping me sleeping and all I have is a very bad taste in my mouth. No matter the situation as he thought in his head, walking out on his unborn child is unforgivable

Monday, 30 April 2012

Progress, more progress...

So, I've changed my name! My surname that is, and have checked and when my son is born, he can have the same name as me and there is nothing that can be done about it! This I am very pleased about!

And I am doing something about the stress....this week I will be attending a ante-natal yoga class at Chakra House (sounds very serious!) and I think the teacher must be very into the whole thing as she signed her email 'Namaste'!! Its the first time that has happened! Also, I am going back to see my Chinese lady on Thursday for some acupuncture and Reiki which really sorted me out last time I went, so if my energy/chakras/chi aren't a little more aligned by the weekend I'm doing something wrong!

My son seems to be doing better. We spent the weekend with my sister and when I wasn't around she had a chat with him about whether he missed his step-father now he was gone...he said he missed that he can't poke my belly like he could poke his and I don't do sword fighting in quite the same way and that he thought that Mummy was a bit sad, but he related my sadness to my grandmother dying, not to his step-father leaving! I am reassured by this and also it seems the punching incident at school was a one off, so at least, for the moment, he seems to be doing ok.

This progress and making these changes helps. In my head, I am moving forward and that progress feels positive. I like having the bed to myself, and putting things down and them still being there when I come back! I can't decide if I miss him, or if its still just an urge to yell at him! Hopefully once my energy/chakra/chi has been messed with some of that confusion will be a little clearer...

Monday, 23 April 2012

Making baby steps...

So I'm not going to pretend that the last couple of weeks have been easy. This has been one of the hardest times of my life. My son is so confused as to where his step-father has gone and asks questions a lot. All I can do is reassure him that the reason he went was nothing to do with him and that Mummy loves him a lot and I am never going anywhere.

I thought he was doing fine, then he punched someone at school because 'he felt cross and he didn't know why'. I was devestated and despise my husband for putting us through this, still with no explanation and no regard for how this has affected my son. Not once has he asked how his unborn child is, all he has been interested in is getting his belongings and the f#*@ing duvet that he keeps asking for! I could gladly punch him in the snoz for the pain he has caused to us and the complete lack of care.

I have been astonished how many women have been through the same thing. One friend had her husband leave her whilst she was in labour with their second child! What the hell is wrong with these men???

Being 27 weeks pregnant, I am finding all this harder than normal, but the one thing I am really concerned about is the amount of anger I am carrying around with me. It can't be healthy for my unborn son and I have no idea how to expend it? I can't go boxing or go for a run or do something aggressive to get it out, so what do I do? The stress of what has been happening seems to be causing a LOT of Braxton Hicks and they are getting stronger by the day. Its alarming.

All I can do at the moment is continue to function. Get up, take son to school, go to work, prepare for the birth of his little brother, talk and try and reassure him, and me, and so the cycle continues. Its a grind, but we will win...

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

He's gone...moving on!!

As previously mentioned, my husband has left...and I am moving forward!

As a mother and expectant mother at that, what choice is there? My 5 year old seems to have accepted that his step-father has gone and isn't coming back, so surely that's what I need to do now, right?

So, I made a list and I'm getting on with it, all the practical things:

  • Taking him off the council tax bill to make it cheaper
  • Decorating the babies room (with a huge amount of help from my sister, big love for her)
  • Changing the look to my bedroom and making it mine again
  • Getting a bigger car so I don't have to struggle since he took the big car
  • Sorting out my bank accounts
  • Seeing my solicitor so that I know my rights, and his for that matter! For warned is for armed, as they say!
And these are the things I have done so far, pretty much.

As for how I feel, I can't really tell you because I don't know. I go between numb, upset and rage, though today its mainly rage!

I have nothing to say to him, nothing. And frankly after leaving with absolutely no explanation, leaving us with no money, taking all his things, as he instructed his family members to do for him, within 24 hours and not contacting me to see if his unborn child is alright, it can't be any surprise that I just don't want anything to do with him (you see, rage!).

Frankly, I think I have been remarkably calm about the whole thing. But he is not coming back. He burnt his bridges on the way out, even if he was running scared, and pee-ed all over them just for good measure. I hope everyone that knows him is disgusted with him because I really don't think there is anything another person can do to their partner that is worse than this.

But I, as everyone keeps telling me, am strong and I will win! I can do this. My children and I do not need a spineless man around to bring us down, and that is certainly what he is.

So come on little man in my belly, do your growing and come and meet your big brother, who is so excited to see you. Mummy loves you, and together, we'll take on whatever life throws at us and win...

Monday, 16 April 2012

So much has changed....

It seems I have been away for a long time, which is probably because I have! But life has not been kind in the mean time.

I am now 25 weeks pregnant, which I am so thankful for, but within the last week my husband has left me and my son with no explanation...gone. And I am broken. I don't really know what to say about it right now other than I am so thankful for my fantastic family and friends, I just wouldn't be coping at all if it wasn't for them....x

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

Blogging hiatus!

I feel I have been a little remiss with the blog of late, and though I have plenty of excellent reasons for this, I still feel a bit bad about it...so, how was your Christmas and New Year, and a very Happy New Year to you all!

We lost my Grandmother over Christmas so it wasn't as it normally would have been and was quiet and a little strange without her there, she was missed and always will be xx

As for my pregnancy, well, I don't remember feeling like this last time...I feel shocking! Which could be for one of two reasons, either its very different as this pregnancy is with a different father to my first or I am having a girl, I can't decide which. Either way, I did not feel like this when I was having my son. I have not got one once of energy in my body, and if I get at all hungry I feel sick and get heart burn at the same time! I am just shy of 10 weeks now, so am hoping this rubbish first stage will be over in a couple of weeks, and bring on the 'glow' I say...

Thursday, 15 December 2011

Is just not feeling it this year!

Is it just me, or is anyone just not feeling the Christmas spirit this year?!! I'm not saying I'm all 'bah-humbug' or anything, but I'm just not feeling the vibe!!

There could be a number of reasons for this...I haven't written my cards or wrapped my presents and now it has become a chore to put off! I have a stinking cold! My Nana is very poorly in hospital! and my son has been ill this week! I think all those reasons together are enough to crush the mood, but normally I can get through that and still be excited about Christmas, but not this time. May be if it starts to snow? No, then I think I'll just be cross that its icy everywhere and no one knows how to drive in the bad weather!!!
So you know what, BAH-HUMBUG!!!

Thursday, 8 December 2011

Is it meant to feel isolating?

The hormones have really gotten to me this week. One minute I'm fine the next I'm in tears and feeling miserable. I don't remember being this all over the place when I was having my son. Plus no one annoys me more than my husband at the moment! I feel that I had so much attention when we were trying to get pregnant and now I am, I'm in it on my own!

I sort of feel a bit abandoned, is that normal? I'm in that phase where everything is hard work and him not making things easier for me is just making my angry. All that is in my head most of the time is the pregnancy, the baby, how life will change, how my body feels, and I know he can't feel what I feel, but, and I'm sure I am just being sensitive, it just feels like a complete lack of interest on his behalf and I feel swindled! I wanted this to be something we share, the whole experience I wanted it to be so different from my first pregnancy with my ex-husband, for whom our son was his third child, and I guess I just thought that because this is my husbands first child he would be very excited and be paying more attention. The main person who gives me what I need affection wise etc is my soon to be 5 year old son! That can't be right?

Tuesday, 6 December 2011

Just easier when they are small...

When kids are at an age where they don't really mind what they have for Christmas, its so much easier! When they start requesting what they want, it gets so much harder, plus their requests change everyday, so how do you keep up?

So far there have been requests for Batman, wrestling toys, Power Rangers, knight toys and the list grows. Although my son has written to Santa and asked for what he wants for Christmas, I have explained that just because you ask Santa for lots of things doesn't mean you get them all. This explanation arose mainly because I don't really want him to have wrestling toys!! Does that make me a bad Mummy? I don't think so! Surely something that seems to promote violence, no matter how choreographed, cannot be a good thing? So this year, Santa will conveniently not be bringing toys that Mummy doesn't like the idea of!

Thursday, 1 December 2011

Its out there!

Since I am so bad at keeping my mouth shut, particularly due the excitement involved, I have announced to the world that I am pregnant, and what a relief!!

I can understand wanting to keep quiet until after the first scan but how?!! How do you do that? I think women are programmed to talk more than they should and when there is something good to talk about, they just do! I had to convince hubby it was a good idea, but as I pointed out, it isn't him who is trying to hide the enormous norks and the constantly growing belly!! So he agreed!

I think that keeping secrets is hard and when you are trying to keep secret something so huge and exciting, keeping your mouth shut actually becomes quite a negative thing and to me that can't be a healthy thing to do, can it?

Now the pressure is off and I can let the belly grow without worrying about trying to hide it, which is becoming difficult anyway.

By the way, does anyone have any recommendations for where to buy attractive maternity bras? I have some from Debenhams, but attractive they are not! I am also wary that considering the rate I am growing that I am unlikely to be in one size for long, so don't want to spend too much on them...

Wednesday, 30 November 2011

How is this possible...

I am 5 weeks pregnant and look about 5 months! I have given up wearing normal clothes as none of them fit me and will be forever grateful to my friends who have donated their maternity clothes that they no longer need. At this rate I will be an elephant by the time this baby is born! My husband is away for the week and I believe will be shocked by the weekend when he comes home at what he finds. How can a baby who is only 2.5mm in size make me this big?!!

Now it sounds like I am complaining, which I assure you, I am not! However, I am concerned!! Apart from being large (!) the only other symptoms I currently seem to have (one of which I have discovered whilst writing this blog!) are listed:

  • I now cry at everything
  • I'm VERY hungry
  • I can no longer spell (this is the one just discovered!)
  • I cannot remember anything, so it seems baby brain as kicked in early!
I am told at this point the lack of memory is very amusing, its when I forget to pick my son up from school that you have to worry...ooo, now you mention it, I'm off!!

Monday, 28 November 2011

I'm pregnant!!!

So excited! I'm about 5 weeks and due in early August. To be honest, I have been avoiding blogging as it is only early days and I didn't want to announce it but so many of those around me now know, I don't see what difference it makes if I tell you!!

And its true what they say about your second pregnancy, you show earlier! I retained so much water with my first pregnancy that I showed at 6 weeks, but I am already showing and having to wear maternity clothes for comfort, and have out grown my normal bras and gone up two cup sizes...what size am I going to be by the end?!!!

The tiredness has kicked in and am waving between having no appetite to wanting to eat everything in sight!

The acupuncture and reiki I had been having have definitely had an effect of me conceiving, more than anything decreasing my stress levels and making me feel better within myself, which I think has helped my body be more prepared for conception.

My son is so excited that he is going to be a big brother, and keeps hugging me and telling me the hug is for 'Twinkle' (the name for the baby given by my brother-in-law even before I conceived as the baby was a twinkle in my husbands eye!) and he kisses my belly and asks how big the baby is now on a daily basis...

Sunday, 20 November 2011


Flamin' hormones!

Well, it appears the hormones this month are turning me completely mad! I am officially unpleasant to be around...my husband has started avoiding me, I am grouchy and grumpy and have nothing nice to say to anyone, so maybe I should just keep my mouth shut! Plus I am unbelievably hungry and none of my bras fit me anymore! And the wait goes on...I should know this week if the swimmers have done their job this month, but the wait is driving me (and frankly, those around me!) up the wall! I took a test this morning, because I just couldn't help myself, and it was negative...of course it was, its too early to be anything other, but that didn't stop me testing yesterday either!! Insanity has kicked it!

But I am definitely more demented than normal this month...I was in tears last night as I had convinced myself that as I have been so horrible to live with, that my husband no longer liked me, never mind loved me, and it took quite a lot of convincing otherwise for me to see sense!

The whole thing is extremely tiring...

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Sometimes, being a parent is exhausting!

I found out today from another Mum at my son's school that tomorrow they have to wear something spotty to school for 'Children in Need'. Boys do not have spotty clothes so this meant a night time dash to the supermarket for a cheap t-shirt and something to use to create the spots...in this case, bingo dabbers in a variety of colours making the orange t-shirt I bought randomly spotty. For someone who is the least creative person in the world, this was quite an achievement and I was very proud. Now all I have to worry about is whether my son's torso is going to get stained with the bingo ink as the day goes on and he gets warmer!

Its odd because this morning it occurred to me that I wanted to make my own clothes, which if you knew me you would know was a ridiculous thought! As you can imagine my immediate thought was 'ooo, I want to nest, I must be pregnant', stupid neurotic brain! In fairness thought did occur right after I decided that all shops are stupid as the don't make clothes for real women, so maybe it was just frustration at the stupid shops!

A little game...

I have been invited to play a game by another blogger so I thought I would share it with you.

It is very simple to do and the rules are as follows
1) Answer the 10 questions and consider the mission.
2) Tag a blogger or two or more to do the same
3) Come back to my original blog post and tell me you have done the questions and answers.
I have tried to make the questions Ok for those who watch the television programme and those that don’t.
1. What one thing about being a parent makes you scream “Get me out of here!” Whinging children!
2. What skills, if any, do you have that would be useful in the jungle? I can build a mean fire!
3. How are you likely to annoy people in your were stuck with them for 3 weeks? Oh very once the cabin fever sets in!
4. What is the worst thing you have ever eaten? The crab I had a severe allergic reaction to!
5. What luxury item would you take into the jungle with you? Photos of my family
6. What is the most daring thing you have ever done? Sail across the Atlantic
7. Who would you miss most if you went into the jungle with a bunch of strangers? My husband
8. What celebrity alive or dead would you like to have with you in the jungle? Davina, she would keep me chipper!
9. What would scare you about being in the jungle? The snakes
10. After leaving the jungle, you go to a luxury hotel. What would be the first thing you did on reaching your hotel? Have a shower!
11th mission should you choose to accept it is to tell us why the person who tagged you is a star. They have introduced me to new people and opened my eyes to more things I can do with my blog

I was tagged by http://kateonthinice.wordpress.com/ to play this game and have replied to her blog on her site.
I'm tagging the following people:

I hope the people I have tagged don't mind!

Monday, 14 November 2011

And the wait continues...

As previously mentioned, I am in the dreaded 2 week wait, and insanity is starting to set in already! Every twinge, anything that feels slightly different from the norm, my brain says 'ooo, that's different. may be I'm pregnant'....and its automatic, plus there appears to be nothing I can do to stop it happening!

Its not that my life is not full or busy, its just constantly there. For example, on my drive into work this morning I noticed that my right breast was feeling sore, so my brain immediately went to the place where it works out how many day past ovulation I am, then works out that it is 'too early to be pregnant, and besides I had a couple of glasses of wine at the weekend so that obviously means I have ruined my chances for this month', and so the neurosis continues!

I think if my husband could hear how loud my head is on these issues (which to be honest, some of which I have said out loud; he particularly hates it if I mention cervical fluid!), he would most likely decide that fathering a child with this insane woman is perhaps not a good idea!

Thursday, 10 November 2011

For my friends...

I may not have previously made this clear, my friends are the most important people in the world to me, aside from my family which I think goes without saying.

Friendships are relationships that can be as difficult and rewarding as relationships with family, and a lot of the time we get more from them than we do from relationships with our family. But after a while, they are family, and even if you have felt slighted by friends, those that are the most important are never thought of as anything less than family......you know who you are x

So today is the day...

It is true, according to the fertility monitor, today I am ovulating! I feel like there should be some sort of fan fair or triumphant music playing (there is in my head if it helps?!).

And now that waiting starts and the rampant (!) sex stops for another month...and the questions start. Does that twinge mean I'm pregnant? Am I wee-ing more than normal? Does that mean I'm pregnant? I don't fancy a glass of wine...does that mean I'm pregnant? And so on, until we get close to the date for my period to start and then there are new questions...did I feel like this at this point last month? Is it too early to take a test? Is that little cramp period pains or am I hungry?! And so it continues, and every month, I move closer towards senility!

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

And finally, this!

And this!

Love this!

Do we really want another one?

Its the 5am wake up call that really puts us off...one easy step to put the whole family in a bad mood for the rest of the day is for our little man to wake up early and start shouting (because he is currently afraid of the dark so shouts instead of getting out of bed!) that he wants the door open 'just a little bit, please'! At least he is polite, but polite or not at 5am the answer is 'NO'! And if there is two of them, how can it get any better?

My husband has no children of his own and has never lived with a baby or very small child. I keep trying to tell him that the sleep he loves so much will, hopefully (really?!) soon be a thing of the past, as there is no way I am doing all the night feeds and early mornings. I did that with my son as my ex did nothing to help and there is no way I'm doing it again! Part of the deal when we got married was that we would have one child and see how it goes. I am 34 now, granted not old, but its a lot harder getting up in the night than it was when I was 29.

Last night I went to see my CMW (Chinese Medicine Woman, for those that have not read previous posts!) and she did her treatment on me of acupuncture and reiki. I have been going weekly now for about 5 weeks. The first time I went I hadn't ovulated and was on day 21 of my cycle which is normally about 30 days. The following day I, according to my Clear Blue Fertility monitor, ovulated as I hit my first 'Peak' of the month. According to the chart I use to monitor my cycle on www.fertilityfriend.com, I should be due to ovulate on Saturday this month. I had my first high this month 3 days ago, and I think after acupuncture last night, my ovulation has moved forward! I don't know if that is a ridiculous thing to suggest but, for me, I am early to hit a 'Peak' today and all the other signs seem to agree, so we'll see what happens.

On a slightly different point, I read that the swimmers are much more 'lively', for want of a better expression, first thing in the morning...maybe its because they have had a good nights sleep! Anyway, when you have a 5 year old in the house, the morning can be tricky. Yesterday my husband decided to use this information I found to instigate the relevant activity! However, at the time, my son was sat on the bed with us...that's just wrong!

Distracting a 5 year old with the idea of going to look for a 'little red truck that Nana bought for you ages ago' in his bedroom whilst my husband does his best to get the 'job done' as quickly as possible, is not that easy. You don't need to picture the scene, though it may be difficult not to following my description, but talking my son through where the truck might be hidden, as I knew it was, whilst my husband is, and there is no delicate way of putting this, grunting on top of me (OMG!), is a very tricky thing to do! Thank god my son didn't walk back into the room during the antics that were unfolding! Seriously, is baby making meant to be like this? I think not!!

Monday, 7 November 2011


So apparently if I get hubby to eat Brazil nuts, its good for his 'nuts'! Who knew??? I am told by the well informed that they are full of selenium which is apparently good for the swimmers...makes them grow muscles and swim faster, or so I am told. I have in fact been making him take multivitamins for months that have selenium in them...haven't worked yet! Why is there no guidelines anywhere for how long they are going to take to work? Or, for that matter, how long it takes and 31 year old man and a 34 year old woman to get pregnant, at least that way you would know when the waiting is going to end!

I find it ironic that you spend your whole life trying not to get pregnant and when to try to, its so much harder than you think.

Now, after research into other things that might affect our chances, there will be no more hot baths for him, only loose undies, no heavy drinking, and we both are stopping the sweetener we had in tea and cutting out the diet soft drinks as apparently its better to have the sugar and get fat than to consume the sweet alternative in chemicals!

It reminds me of when my assistant at work got pregnant recently. I helpfully made it clear to her all the things she should no longer eat, and she was astonished as when she had her first child in Russia (I forget to mention she was Russian!) there were none of those limitations. I am told it is the same in other countries, so why are we so scared of living as normal when we get knocked up?

Sunday, 6 November 2011

Over so fast!

Weekends are so unfair! We spend all week looking forward to them, then they slip by without us even noticing!

My son was with his father this weekend so we went to visit my family. The problem with doing this when you are trying to have a baby to deciding whether it is appropriate to procreate in your father's house when the purpose of the procreation is new life?!! My fertility monitor told me my hormones were high so we had to take the risk, as quietly as possible...my husband was then mortified that someone may have heard our silent movements and came down to breakfast looking sheepish...no one had heard!

This baby making business is an effort though, and everything has to be scheduled around the possibility of ovulation...flamin' hormones! When sex begins to rule your life for all the wrong reasons, surely its time to re-think and remember how it is supposed to be?!

Friday, 4 November 2011

Friends can make you feel human...

As a Mummy, finding time for yourself is hard, particularly guilt free time. Anyone that's a Mummy knows what I mean...the minute they are born, the 'Mummy guilt' starts and it never really goes away, or so I thought!

Having spent the day with my best friends today, the rejuvenated feeling of being around adult female company is astonishing, and although I love my son with all my heart, I didn't miss him one bit! Is that wrong? Personally, I don't think it makes me a bad Mummy to admit that having 'me' time makes me feel better, and I don't think any mother should beat themselves up for feeling the same way. Being Mummy is hard and relentless, and even holidays are not holidays like they used to be as you are always watching and preparing and nurturing, so what's so wrong with once in a while taking time for yourself to make Mummy human again.

Relating to other adults, laughing, even playing (the adult version which often involves alcohol!) helps to de-stress and in the end makes you a happier person, not just a happier Mummy. It helps you realise 'I am more than just Mummy' and being able to finish a conversation with another adult without being interrupted by a small person is something you become thankful for. And the time flies by, and before you know it, you are Mummy again, but a better Mummy for being someone else for a while...

Thursday, 3 November 2011

Had to show this!

It seems not much has changed!

As you will see from my previous post, apart from my state of mind, not that much has changed in all this time!

Around the time of the last posts in my old blog I was going through my divorce and struggling. I just thought it would be interesting to share it...

I found my old blog...and here it is!

wednesday, may 27, 2009

BFF - really?!

I don't get the concept of best friends. Sure close friends and confidants but why does there have to be a 'leader'v

The idea seems infantile in many ways not least confusing.

It may seem to many that my opinion is based on what sounds like jealousy and that my be true in part but it is the concept that I'm questioning not the choices made as to who qualifies.

Over our lifetimes we make and lose many friends. Some are sadly missed and some not given a second thought but many past and present remain in our conciousness because of the lasting impression made by that person, good or bad.

Friendships are chosen, though many are chosen badly and often those that are good are not nurtured and die.

BFF - I don't buy it! Its another relationship title that gives the recipient excuse to take the relationship for granted and let it wither.

wednesday, may 13, 2009


Friends help define who we are. In their own way they mould us, they guide us, they listen to us, they advise us...

For a while, for whatever reason, I didn't have close friends, and now I don't know how I survived.

My best friend, Mel, is more of a friend to me than any friend has ever been. She has given more than any friend before and for the first time, I have a friendship that feels equal. How can you want for more than that?

If everything else fails, friends are there and that's all you need.

tuesday, may 12, 2009

it is what it is!

When it happened I was more than shocked but living the way I had for so long I guess in a way I was lucky it was only that to deal with.

Deal with it...I didn't really. I denied it in my head, my life , my conciousness for a long time till it didn't hurt so much and wasn't so raw.

Life hurts and the most painful things are really what make you who you are. The pain is in a box now and stays there.

Life moves on and gets better and life becomes more than it ever was or could have been.

It's time for an attitude change!

Things might be tough right now but really, are they that bad? Isn't it about a state of mind?

I've come to the conclusion that if you realise how much you have instead of what you don't have your perspective changes.

Short but sweet!

wednesday, april 29, 2009

Its just amazing how perspective changes...

As I have previously ranted about life is not easy but its funny how quickly your perspective can change, even little things give your view point new light and your once closed thought process begins to let new light in and you feel the pressure dropping.

Everybody has their own 'deal' - the stuff they deal with, the stress their life brings and to the individual, their own problems can seem insurmountable, and sometimes they are, but mainly things are never as bad as they first appear and everything can be solved. I really think its all about mind set.

If you put positive thoughts 'out there' I believe it is more likely you will achieve your goals. I know it sounds like mumbo jumbo, but I don't care! I think its true.

So this is me, putting my positive thoughts out there -

• I want health and happiness for my family and myself
• For life to be a little easier
• To be contented with what I have and not 'want' so much.

There, that covers enough ground!

Feel free to blog your thoguhts here reader - be interesting to compare...

wednesday, april 22, 2009

So how do you really know when enough is enough?!!

Sometimes, life just tires you out for no real reason - do you find that? Exhausting. The grind, the responsibility, the relentlessness.

When you are young, a child really, you are too young and naïve to appreciate your youth and the cliche of youth being wasted on the young becomes true. Its tragic and heart breaking at the same time.

I look at my son and want the world for him - to give him the world actually, and it kills me to know the anguish he will go through at times growing up. I still feel that anguish only it becomes worse when motherhood arrives!

Humanity is so tough - just being us. My dog has a great life! Eating, sleeping, barking, digging - simple no hassle no responsibility, very much like childhood. If only we stayed that way longer...

tuesday, april 21, 2009

How do you stop your head hurting!

My head hurts! Not from too much booze or from the average head ache, but from life!

Sounds depressing I know but without sounding like a miserable old git, it all pretty much stinks at the moment! Well, look at it - the whole world's economy has gone down the shitter, there's no money, no jobs and even though here in the UK we are unable to complain about the weather at the moment, everyone is so fed up all the time.

To be honest feeling like this is probably made worse by having just returned from a week in the country. By the way, the South Downs are just beautiful.

I honestly think that living a simpler life, even returning to a simpler time, would in many ways make the us all much happier. The stress attached to life as it stands currently can at times be unbearable. It makes me want to run away and hide!

And what is going to change?! Anything?! Nothing?! I mean come on, seriously. The media puts such a slant on everything, how is anyone supposed to use free thought to make there mind up. How can there be any perspective? Everyone has got their own agenda - all bias!

Yes, I know, what is the matter with all of this I'm spouting, but I'm only saying what others are thinking!

So much time has gone by!

How I have managed to let so much time pass and not blog amazes me! Life got in the way as normal. To be fair to myself, I did have a baby, though being honest that was 2 and a half years ago now!!
As you can see - he is already a little dude!

Anyway, I pledge that from here forward I will be here a lot more! I have a lot to say and this is as good a place as any to say it!!

friday, april 28, 2006

So what's it all about?!!

So, I'm pregnant!!! Ahhh!! I'm really pleased and excited but also very freaked out!!

I'm 5 weeks gone (5 weeks and 1 day!!). Have already bought a book about pregnancy so I can see what's happening with the baby and how big (or little!) it is at every stage. Plus I get to read about all of the delightful thing that will happen to by body over the next 8 months or so!

And just to be awkward, of course I am due on the 28th of December! So its going to be a Christmas baby.

Still trying to get used to the idea. Can't think about anything else at the moment. The first things I think when I wake up in the morning is 'Oh my God I'm pregnant!'.

Jules is made up about it. Only concern is telling Lisa and the boys. He is going to tell her tonight and see what her response is. Hopefully it won't be as bad as he is expecting but who knows till it happens. Have to wait and see about so many things right now.


How long is it going to take?

Its been 8 months, and still no further...yes, getting knocked up is not as easy as you would think!

I have decided to talk about this as it is something very current in our lives and its not a secret that since I married my second husband we have been trying to have a baby.

So, after the initial few months of daily temperature taking and making charts and getting wound up about the whole thing, I had to stop that! I have been using a fertility monitor for about 6 months, which, and I'm sorry about the detail, basically involves peeing on a stick, similar to a pregnancy test every day that the little machine tells you to, then putting the stick in the machine and it reads it and tells you what's happening with your hormones and how close to ovulation you are. This gets boring! And the claims that it will increase your chances of getting pregnant by 89% seem to be a stretch as if that was true, wouldn't I be pregnant by now?

I have a son from a previous marriage, who is nearly 5 now, so we can assume that I 'work', so what's the problem? My husband? Unlikely. He is healthy and only 31, doesn't smoke, hardly drinks. We could go and get all the tests done, but why go through the stress of that so early on (early? Doesn't feel early!).

So I chose another route...Chinese medicine. I have mentioned my Chinese medicine woman (that's a long name, we'll go with CMW!) before and she is, I have to say, great. I have no idea if the acupuncture and reiki she does on me is working, but the things she says make sense, and my body has started to 'operate' slightly differently. All my old issues and even my more recent ones that I have buried and not dealt with are coming to the surface, many of these things I have't thought about for years, and I suddenly have the urge to deal with them or address them in some way...hence my earlier rant!

You may think that acupuncture and reiki in particular as rubbish and don't work. My opinion is how can one be so arrogant to assume that a practice based on thousands of years of use and helping people and gained wisdom can be based on nothing? Until I am convinced otherwise, I intend to be open minded about all things that I don't have the foresight and knowledge to disagree with.

The 'healing' is helping. That is a fact. I feel different, my behaviours in certain areas are different, during reiki I can feel my energy or 'chi' moving and changing...poo poo if you choose to, but if it helps ones state of mind as it appears to be doing with me, who am I to say that it won't help my fertility?