Monday, 30 April 2012

Progress, more progress...

So, I've changed my name! My surname that is, and have checked and when my son is born, he can have the same name as me and there is nothing that can be done about it! This I am very pleased about!

And I am doing something about the stress....this week I will be attending a ante-natal yoga class at Chakra House (sounds very serious!) and I think the teacher must be very into the whole thing as she signed her email 'Namaste'!! Its the first time that has happened! Also, I am going back to see my Chinese lady on Thursday for some acupuncture and Reiki which really sorted me out last time I went, so if my energy/chakras/chi aren't a little more aligned by the weekend I'm doing something wrong!

My son seems to be doing better. We spent the weekend with my sister and when I wasn't around she had a chat with him about whether he missed his step-father now he was gone...he said he missed that he can't poke my belly like he could poke his and I don't do sword fighting in quite the same way and that he thought that Mummy was a bit sad, but he related my sadness to my grandmother dying, not to his step-father leaving! I am reassured by this and also it seems the punching incident at school was a one off, so at least, for the moment, he seems to be doing ok.

This progress and making these changes helps. In my head, I am moving forward and that progress feels positive. I like having the bed to myself, and putting things down and them still being there when I come back! I can't decide if I miss him, or if its still just an urge to yell at him! Hopefully once my energy/chakra/chi has been messed with some of that confusion will be a little clearer...

Monday, 23 April 2012

Making baby steps...

So I'm not going to pretend that the last couple of weeks have been easy. This has been one of the hardest times of my life. My son is so confused as to where his step-father has gone and asks questions a lot. All I can do is reassure him that the reason he went was nothing to do with him and that Mummy loves him a lot and I am never going anywhere.

I thought he was doing fine, then he punched someone at school because 'he felt cross and he didn't know why'. I was devestated and despise my husband for putting us through this, still with no explanation and no regard for how this has affected my son. Not once has he asked how his unborn child is, all he has been interested in is getting his belongings and the f#*@ing duvet that he keeps asking for! I could gladly punch him in the snoz for the pain he has caused to us and the complete lack of care.

I have been astonished how many women have been through the same thing. One friend had her husband leave her whilst she was in labour with their second child! What the hell is wrong with these men???

Being 27 weeks pregnant, I am finding all this harder than normal, but the one thing I am really concerned about is the amount of anger I am carrying around with me. It can't be healthy for my unborn son and I have no idea how to expend it? I can't go boxing or go for a run or do something aggressive to get it out, so what do I do? The stress of what has been happening seems to be causing a LOT of Braxton Hicks and they are getting stronger by the day. Its alarming.

All I can do at the moment is continue to function. Get up, take son to school, go to work, prepare for the birth of his little brother, talk and try and reassure him, and me, and so the cycle continues. Its a grind, but we will win...

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

He's gone...moving on!!

As previously mentioned, my husband has left...and I am moving forward!

As a mother and expectant mother at that, what choice is there? My 5 year old seems to have accepted that his step-father has gone and isn't coming back, so surely that's what I need to do now, right?

So, I made a list and I'm getting on with it, all the practical things:

  • Taking him off the council tax bill to make it cheaper
  • Decorating the babies room (with a huge amount of help from my sister, big love for her)
  • Changing the look to my bedroom and making it mine again
  • Getting a bigger car so I don't have to struggle since he took the big car
  • Sorting out my bank accounts
  • Seeing my solicitor so that I know my rights, and his for that matter! For warned is for armed, as they say!
And these are the things I have done so far, pretty much.

As for how I feel, I can't really tell you because I don't know. I go between numb, upset and rage, though today its mainly rage!

I have nothing to say to him, nothing. And frankly after leaving with absolutely no explanation, leaving us with no money, taking all his things, as he instructed his family members to do for him, within 24 hours and not contacting me to see if his unborn child is alright, it can't be any surprise that I just don't want anything to do with him (you see, rage!).

Frankly, I think I have been remarkably calm about the whole thing. But he is not coming back. He burnt his bridges on the way out, even if he was running scared, and pee-ed all over them just for good measure. I hope everyone that knows him is disgusted with him because I really don't think there is anything another person can do to their partner that is worse than this.

But I, as everyone keeps telling me, am strong and I will win! I can do this. My children and I do not need a spineless man around to bring us down, and that is certainly what he is.

So come on little man in my belly, do your growing and come and meet your big brother, who is so excited to see you. Mummy loves you, and together, we'll take on whatever life throws at us and win...

Monday, 16 April 2012

So much has changed....

It seems I have been away for a long time, which is probably because I have! But life has not been kind in the mean time.

I am now 25 weeks pregnant, which I am so thankful for, but within the last week my husband has left me and my son with no explanation...gone. And I am broken. I don't really know what to say about it right now other than I am so thankful for my fantastic family and friends, I just wouldn't be coping at all if it wasn't for them....x